New Year Resolution?

pssht. i gave up on that a long time ago. the typical i want to lose weight resolution that i have made year and year, month after month, week after week. i am truly seeking not just to lose weight, but to become healthy. i don't need january 1 to start that. however, it seems i am still lacking the motivation i need to really do it and stick with it. that new year resolution kick doesn't do it for me. i need to focus on other things that push me to succeed. this is what i have come up with so far:

1. don't focus on what the scale says, even though the lose of pounds makes you feel great. that is NOT the focus of this life change.

2. you are doing this to feel better. not just emotionally, but physically. getting in shape will give you confidence. make you feel pretty again. make you feel happy. give you energy. rid you of many ailments you feel are derived from, or at least worsened by, the extra weight and lack of good health.

3. you cant "just" work out or "just" eat healthy. this isn't a diet in the sense that people use that word. this is a life change. a permanent diet. a way of life.

4. how can you have children if you are not healthy? an unhealthy body has more difficulty reproducing. if you want to start a family you have to start with yourself. plus, you can't be a hypocrite. you cant expect your children to eat health if you do not. monkey see, monkey do.

those things should be more than enough inspiration to make the changes in my life that i want. however, when you are as fucked up in the head as i am, somehow there are still (many) days where it isnt enough. you struggle to even start the day. so not only am i battling the ever daunting task of beginning a healthy food and exercise regimen, i am battling with my mentality.

i am working on remembering to take my medicine everyday. i "forget" sometimes. i know its stupid to do so. i know this is medication that will keep me stable and happy. but i hate medication. i hate pumping my body with synthetic drugs. why cant i be normal? my poor children are screwed.

i want to end this blog on a positive, uplifting note.

i am still purchasing mostly preservative free, natural, fresh foods. i cannot force david to change his diet so i am trying to find middle ground. my goal is to become a pescetarian. that means i only eat seafood. i want to eliminate all other meats like poultry, red meat, and pork. i am not doing this for animal-rights reasons or religious beliefs. i am doing this because i have read articles and stories and heard personal experiences from friends whose lives changed for the better by becoming vegetarian. i am convinced my elimination of meat will help my aches and pains go away. eventually i may become vegetarian, but for now i will still eat fish.  this may or may not become a permanent change. i may or may not occasionally indulge myself in a nice cheeseburger. but this is something i want to try. this includes watching what i buy as far as what is made with animal by-products, etc. i will still provide david with his usual meat-filled meals, of course :) his diet needs are much different than mine.

also, i have been telling myself lately, "it only takes 20 minutes of my day to go around the block. that is enough for now to work up a sweat and has been proven before to make significant changes in my health and weight. why is it so difficult to take those 20 minutes to do something good for yourself?" and so, samsam and i went for a jog today. we made it 1.3 miles in under 15 minutes. i am VERY proud of myself. :)