let it all out, darling

this isn't a real post.  well, it is. but, its mostly for me.  this is my time to vent. let it all out. (scream and shout).

there is so much to my life to be happy for. i am so lucky, blessed if you will, to have the life i have.  not that i haven't worked for it. but, damn, wouldn't it be nice to take a break.

HA. what's a break?

this thing i have. this....depression. constantly lurking in the shadows.  waiting to rain on my parade.  it doesnt go away. sometimes my sun shines so bright there is no shadow for it to linger. but as always, the sun must set. the shadows will come. and with them, this thing. this....depression.

i had a fabulous weekend. i relaxed, i spent time with my love, his friends. we went places, enjoyed our time together. but alas, here is sunday. back to reality, back to real life. (insert the next song but backwards: back to life, back to reality).

if my life were a plate it would live in a buffet. a buffet of slop, anyway.  chock full of shit.  loaded up like this was the last meal.  i feel like i cant catch a break.  i have so much to do i dont know where to begin. it doesnt help that i am overly emotional and needy (pregnant or not). eventually david loses steam and becomes frustrated with me.  its not fair to him to have to be strong all the time. put up with my shit. i cant blame him for eventually caving and showing his frustrations.  i can be irrational. i know this.

i just need a break.

maybe in 18 years, right?

i am SOOO close to being done with school but I think I have lost all tolerance for it.  i need a break.  but, i am trucking through so i can be done before aliyana is born. how can i handle a baby, school, and a job if i cant handle school and a job?

fuck accelerated classes.  they are why i feel like im drowning.

on top of the 4 assignments i have due this week alone, i have a ton of work related stuff going on. i will never catch a break.

when it rains it pours, right?

someday the rain will stop.  my guess is sometime after my death.

i have my brain to thank for that. my dysfunctional, depressed, chemically imbalanced brain.

i pray to the deities that Aliyana is more like her daddy.

20 week ultrasound

the base officially sucks ass.  i didnt like them before now, but after today i really dont care for them at all.

i go for my 20 week ultrasound appointment. i am supposed to have a full bladder. its 20 minutes past my appointment time and i cant hold it anymore. i have to pee.

of course, as soon as i finish they are ready for me and irritated that i emptied my bladder.  well, dont keep a pregnant woman waiting with a full bladder.

they get to the appointment business and all is quiet. i can only assume they are taking pictures, doing their thing.  so much time goes by and she says she cant get the pictures because the baby is moving.  well maybe if you held the device still long enough you could get a decent picture.  she was moving the damn thing all over my belly. she said the baby's face was covered...eventually i learned that at first she was facing the placenta....later she had her arms in front of her face.  either way, thats no reason to move the machine around so much and to take shitty pictures.

after what seems like 5 hours, she takes the images to the dr, lets david in the room, and the two of us sit for another long period of time before the tech comes back in the room.  she begins showing us the baby while we wait for the dr during which time she makes dumb comments like, 'theres one foot, theres the other, they are together." well i sure hope so!

finally the dr comes in and he cant/wont tell us anything about the baby. we got a half-ass answer that she is fine from what he saw and they legally cannot tell us the gender......what the fuck is this appointment for?!

the tech claimed she had better pictures that what she could show us real-time and gave us a cd. we get home, there is only 6 images on the cd and none of them are what she said they were.  and to top it all off, they look like shit. you cant really tell what any of it really is.  i am so beyond annoyed.

i spent 2 hours on base to learn nothing about my baby and not get any decent pictures. the real time wasn't bad.  it would have been better if the tech would have held still!

anyway, heres the pictures and video clip.  i will end up paying a place to show me something decent.

What does that say about me?

It's about 10 pm and I am writing in my blog.  I did the dishes and mildly cleaned the kitchen.  It is apparent that hubby made it home as all the spices are out, the cheese is left on the counter, and the pans are on the stove.  normalcy.

we are catching up on the shows we watch together and i am excited for all the new seasons to start-my shows and ours.  its our first night together in awhile.

i didnt get my nap today. there is a lot of change going on at my job and in my personal life right now that has my mind reeling all hours of the day. im excited for the changes.  i need to find a way to regulate all that has came and is yet to come.

there is just 3 classes and a student teaching stint standing between me and a masters degree with teaching licensure.  yet, i cannot focus. i lost interest, i dont care, im over it. how many ways can i say i dont want to be in school anymore.  im a tightass when it comes to grades and academic standards. yet, here i am, doing the bare minimum to get by so i can just.be.done. i just want to be done.

i gave up on medical transcription until i finish these last three classes. hopefully i will be done with them by january. then i can spend a few months completing medical transcription and see where that takes me. i love teaching. love it. its my heart and soul. but soon my heart and soul will belong to my daughter and the time i can spend with her and my beloved hubby. a career in medical transcription is a work-from-home, easily transportable job that i can do until i am completely done with my degree and ready to put my daughter in school.

we will see.

so here i am. writing in my blog. doing dishes. cleaning. watching television.

avoiding the dreadful deadline that is quickly approaching to get full credit for class participation.

what does that say about me? that the once all or nothing attitude i was so proud to have has become a meek, half-ass, maybe i will-maybe i wont attitude. im over it.

Stop Embarrassing Yourself

I'm a grammar nazi; I can say that because I am German.

While I like to avoid standard capitalization, improper use of language and punctuation drives me insane.  This is a topic I see frequenting the statuses of Facebook, yet so many of my friends make these mistakes.  I, too, am not innocent.  The difference is when I make some of these mistakes its because I was in a hurry and produced a major FAIL.  I do, in fact, know right from wrong.  

What bothers me the most is that i have almost become immune to these errors as i seem them so often.  that's a scary thought.  it's also proof that our country is going to shit. more on that later.

you have your typical 'your and you're' or 'to and too.' but what about some lesson common mistakes or mistakes lessen commonly perceived as a mistake?

wrong and/or excessive use of commas, colons, and semi-colons drives me crazy.  sadly, i see this a lot in my MASTER'S degree program team projects. tragic, really.

another error i see so frequently is then and than.  get it straight. then refers to a place in time whether than be current or future (the next in a sequence).  than is used in comparison.

also consider affect v. effect.  look it up if you dont know.

honestly, i could go on for days about the improper use of the already complicated English language, but ill cut to the chase.

my most favorite errors involve made up words, slang, and text lingo.

the one word that gives me the nails on the chalkboard effect is IRREGARDLESS.  you can argue that this is a word.  just because people use it doesnt mean it should have ever come into existence.  i sometimes ponder the level of stupidity it takes to come up with a word like this.

regardless can be defined as "without paying attention to the present situation; despite the prevailing circumstances" (Google).

ir is a prefix meaning not or non.

consider the two words together and what that means in comparison to how it is used.  people say irregardless and mean regardless.  irregardless is redundant in that it essentially means without without paying attention to the present situation.  its a double negative.  "i cant not do something."

stop embarrassing yourself.

P.S. what's your favorite misuse of the English language?

im baaaaAAAaaaccckkk

well, hello!  my goodness, its been way too long.  I have thought about you often.  My life has gotten crazy; i lost the ability to properly manage my time and therefore my blog has suffered.  I am here to put an end to that!

im happy to be back. writing is such a wonderful outlet for me.  so much has happened since i last updated...

-im still selling Thirty-One. its a small and fun hobby of mine.
-im 4 months pregnant and this baby cant come soon enough! i want to meet my baby girl
-i switched jobs
-i am/was in school and on my way to completion
-i started a second schooling program....call me crazy

so lets get started.

if case you were not aware, David and I are expecting a baby girl in February.  We have named her Aliyana Elena Zepeda.  my gram has had a hard time with that name which i think is pretty funny. i am so excited to start my family and i just cant wait to have my baby here in my arms instead of in my belly.  its weird to me that i have a baby growing in me...i have a complex with the human body.

i was supposed to be done with my M.A. classes in december and starting student teaching in the spring but Aliyana has put a hold on that.  Due to financial aid I am not in classes right now, either.  Hopefully I will be back in classes soon because i only have 3 left!  My plan is to complete student teaching in the Fall 2014 so wish me luck with that.

in light of our upcoming addition to the family and my frustration with a teaching degree my ill-minded self enrolled in another online program.  SHOOT ME.  i have until august 2014 to complete this program at which time i will have a certificate in medical transcription.  i still think its a good idea because its a mobile career and i can work from home.  this will allow me to have a back up plan from teaching and supplemental income during student teaching if i can bare the thought of 2 full time jobs with a baby. YIKES.
thats where super dad david comes in to play.

As of the end of this last school year I was unemployed.  I won't go into details.  I spent the summer off work and looking for a job.  that was a joke. im overqualified for your average place and underqualified for office jobs. naturally i had to wait until the end of summer to secure a position in a classroom again.  thankfully i was hired by a great school and i am now teaching prek/jr kindergarten.  its kind of perfect, actually. the staff are nice, the kids are pretty well behaved, the classroom is about as good as it can be given the circumstances and im happy. i work 8-1 so thats even better because it leaves me time for rest, appointments, homework, etc.

well, this seems about long enough for a welcome back blog post.  ill post again soon with all the insight of my ridiculous mind.

drowning in a puddle of my own drool

i am struggling to keep my head above water, it seems.  I have been doing so well, if fact, i dont think i have felt so positively about my life in a long, long time.  with that being said, im drowning.  it just occured to me this week just how busy i really am. how busy i have always been.  i wont say that my life has ever been hard because i am completely grateful (in retrospect) for everything i have gone through in life. it has made me a better person. the awesomeness that you know as ME.  with that being said, im drowning.

not that i am old by any means, but im definitely not getting younger, and as i continue to get less young every day, i am slowly coming to the realization that i cannot continue this lifestyle i acquired so many years ago.  let me run you through a typical day for me:

wake up and (if hes luck) pack david's lunch and mine.

all the while handling the dogs.

get ready and drive the 35 minutes through traffic to work.

work for 9 hours with 12 1-2 year olds.

if im ambitious i might work out on my lunch hour.

get off and drive the 35 minutes home, unless i need to go grocery shopping or run any other errands.

get home, start dinner.

feed animals.

spend time with david.

do homework.

clean kitchen/house/laundry/etc, etc.

pay bills.

NEW***manage my Thirty-One business.

find time to sleep before repeating cycle again.

so as this wears down on me it looks more like this:

wake up and let dogs in (bc david let them out)

get ready and MAYBE pack my lunch

work the 9 hours sin working out on lunch

drive home.

drink wine.

pretend to do something productive.

loathe in self-pity.

stress over things both in and out of my control.

so i know im bitching and i apologize. but seriously, im so tired of being busy all the time! add to this list the many dr appointments i have on a regular basis and the pain in my back that i have to survive day to day while the doctor tries to sort it out.

so that was my rant. im just busy. i want to be done. i doubt that will ever happen. for now i will repeat my mantra and breathe deeply, appreciating all that i have been blessed with in this life.

on a side note, i have a dear, dear friend of mine who is in need of your prayers. if you are the praying type, please put her on your prayer list. if you are not, just keep her in your thoughts. i know i am.

on a side, side note: i am now an independent sales consultant for Thirty-One!  I am super excited about it and would love to host a party for you! i may be busy, but i always have time to party! Contact me today to talk about your options : D

The views and opinions expressed on this blog are mine and mine alone.  The views and opinions on this blog do not represent in any way, shape, or form those of Thirty-One LLC.

this bitch....

before i get started i would like to warn you this post could go one of two ways; it will either be short and to the point...ooooorrrrrrrrr completely drawn out with random nonsense, none of which relates to the other.

moving on.

i have had quite the eventful start to my week.  to sum it all up to today, which is the main point of this post, i have been feeling that darkness quickly come crashing around me in the last week or so.  all the way up until today when i had a complete melt down at work. professional, i know.  so let me move straight into today's events.

first, today is my mother-in-law's birthday and i didn't get an opportunity to call her until late, therefore causing the ever popular "you forgot about me" comment. but i didn't, i was just too self-absorbed in my own nonsense to find time to call until the time i called. ok, check.

happy birthday, mom!

now, the nonsense that is my tuesday.

a few weeks ago our beloved class pet, snickers passed away due to old age, and maybe a little insanity from a dozen 2 year olds yelling his name day in and day out.
                                                     

monday night i made it a point to go to the pet store and get our class a new friend, who has yet to be named. she is all cute and furry check her out!

check out the cool syrian bear hamster!

 so come this morning, tuesday, that bitch was gone! escaped through the roof. straight popped the cap off that shit and ditched out. way to start my fucken day, hamster. so i had to go to work and tell my co-teachers what happened to our new pet.  i spent the whole morning worried about her whereabouts (either in the house or in the belly of one of my pets) until i lost the next thing....

my car keys.

so i knew i had them. i took them out of my purse and put them in my gym bag so i could go running on my lunch break. i went to the library to drop off books from last week's curriculum, clocked out, and changed my clothes in the bathroom. just like that, POOF, my keys were gone. i spent my entire lunch hour looking for the damn things. i had half the school looking for them all the way until 5:00 when my shift was over. i had david on his way to pick me up from work while i looked up information on the cost to replace my key, since i was not issued a spare when i bought the car.  what do you know, david is a few minutes away from my work and i get a call from my friend and fellow coworker letting me know one of my students found my keys under the table in the library.

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET THERE? AND HOW DID A TEAM OF TEACHERS MISS THAT, BUT A TWO YEAR OLD FOUND THEM?!

because that's how this two year old rolls. i am not at all surprised that he found them. although i cannot attest to them actually being where he says he found them, who knows where they really were.  i am just glad he found them so i didn't have to worry about it anymore! i was sick to my stomach all day with the anxiety from all this.

so i get home, after dealing with all that and worrying about david because he had a bad day, too, and its time to cook dinner. naturally that does not go as planned either.  thankfully my sanity was saved by a wonderful conversation with my gram. she always knows how to make it better.

i cook dinner, we return the redbox movie that was due, and i decide to check my closet for the still-missing hamster bitch.  the cat kept signaling she was there. so david and i start pulling out boxes and what do you know, there she is!!

the mess this hamster caused in my house....

 


the funniest part was that we suspected she was there, but we both jumped out of our skin when she scurried away upon us finding her. i think because she is so big and black (insert dirty joke here) that she looks like a rat running away. i was dying laughing.  david then began the battle of catching her among all the boxes.  he finally gets her and what happens?  she pisses all over him!! not just a little pee, a steady puppy sized stream of urine all of the place! if only i had a camera, it was phenomenal.  i was in tears laughing about it.  so we got her in her cage and had dinner.




yay for happy endings. i got my keys, my hamster, and ended the night with laughs, dinner, and wine.  david got his dinner, beer, and a golden shower from the hamster he now refers to as "cunt".

good night, all :)

so they say, but who is 'they' anyway?!

equal or lesser value. thats what i say.

this article about how many muscles it takes to smile vs the number of muscles to frown only proves my point.  i have always, as far back as i can remember, had a natural frown. turns out maybe i am conserving energy? maybe. maybe i just think the world is stupid. either way, i frown. get over it.  however, with the recent shitty weather and the plateau in my journey to health, i have noticed my face is more times than not in an expression of distress, upset, anger, depression, anxiety, etc. etc.  i need to make more effort to take my two frowning muscle and turn them into smiling muscles. feel welcome to help in that quest. it is quite the task, i must say.

if this isnt the truth i dont know what is.

i had to share

i have been thinking for awhile what i wanted to write in my next post. i want to write, i just dont know what i want to talk about.  however, i found something awesome i want to share. i dont want to ruin the ending to the story so i will just say this: be thankful.

i was reading the bloggess (love her) and i saw her link to this story. check it out:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/house

good night!

on a side note:

the wonders of this earth

it seems like baking soda and vinegar fixes EVERYTHING!

i have found so many pinterest-inspired cleaning remedies involving baking soda and vinegar.  they also make for excellent ingredients in a volcano.

lately, as i browse the miraculous phenomenon known as Pinterest, i have uncovered some wonderful ways to improve my home, my mind, my body, and all my dreams.  what really strikes me is the craziness that is baking soda and vinegar.

using these ingredients you can unclog a drain, clean the tile grout, clean the grease from your stove's vent filter, clean your front-load washer, whiten your teeth, get the stank outta your towels, blankets, etc, steam clean your microwave, etc. 

the possibilities are endless!

tonight's experiment began with a very tired, yet restless me. i have been experiencing a lot of insomnia again lately. so i get home, i am exhausted. i lay on the couch with david. he falls asleep. i am left tossing and turning, struggling to take a nap. after hours of laying on the couch uncomfortably i get the bright idea to scrub the grout on my floors. i have known since we moved in that they were disgusting. i never attempted to clean them because it is so time consuming and i didnt really know what i needed. thanks to my pinterest obsession i have discovered a solution.

i did not use the called for ammonia simply because i did not have any. i used the same measurements for the rest of the ingredients: baking soda, vinegar, water.  it actually worked pretty well! they are not perfect, nor do i expect them to be. i do not have the right materials. i am just impressed it worked as well as it did. now i can look forward to days and days of doing this until i finally get all the grout cleaned. but i wanted to share because it is just another step to my improving myself. i am happy to say i am happy.

Quickie. or not.

thought i would write a quick blog post out to my beloved fans (chirp chirp)

i apologize. my pet cricket has restless leg syndrome. -mayor west.

i have a few random thoughts to contribute to this beautiful monday.

i have had a headache on and off all weekend but i pushed through and made today a successful day. what do you know? it worked.  i am trying to stay motivated and keep myself rolling.

i am currently watching notre dame get butchered by 'bama. what a shame. i had high hopes....as did my poor, poor brother-in-law. sorry for the loss, joe! my deepest sympathies.

my vegetarian diet is still going wonderfully.  all you assholes keep reminding me of the delicious bacon that is not longer making wonderful appears in my breakfast, lunch, dinner, and everything in between.  thanks, assholes.

tonight i am making veggie lasagna. it looks and smells delicious.  someone please remind me next time that i do not need to actually cook the full box of lasagna noodles. this is the second time i have made this mistake. my lasagna does not need an entire box of noodles. what was i thinking?!  i will join the food porn community tonight by delighting you with a picture of my masterpiece. unfortunately it takes too fucking long to cook so you get a "in progress" picture.

the recipe can be found here.

finally, i would like share with you all a awesomely hilarious (new) blog about the ventures of the marvelous online dating scene.  my badass friend, cayla is the author. check her out and laugh your ass off as you learn just how stupid stupid is.  i have linked it to the blog^, but for your entertainment as well as mine, please make note of the title: whytheyaresingle.blogspot.com

advocacy and news

my heart is truly saddened by the news i heard tonight. yet another, innocent family member, a pit bull, was shot and killed due to ignorance.  while watching my typical sunday night tv i heard a commercial for the 10:00 news about a pit bull being shot and killed by a police officer. i normally do not watch the news, but as a huge pit bull advocate and pit bull owner, i wanted to hear how this would be justified.  i was immediately angered by the commercial advertisement because i know the only reason this story made news was due to the breed of the dog. if it had been ANY other breed of dog, i seriously doubt we would be hearing about it.  yet, here i am, crying for this family who lost their beloved dog.

you can read the story here.  all the news said was that some home owners reported possible gun fire or fireworks in the area. police responded and in hunt of looking into the report, entered this family's yard where the pit because "aggressive" and would not back down. DUH! dumbass motherfuckers...if you enter the yard of most dogs, regardless of breed, they are going to be aggressive. you are TRESPASSING. because the dog would not back down, the police officer shot the dog in the head, immediately killing him.  the family reported to the news that the officers did not alert the family that they would be entering the yard. the police reported that the dog was aggressive and should have been chained up...what if it had been a child entering the yard?

i think that is the lamest excuse for killing someone's pet. random children should not be entering a stranger's yard, anyway. the family reported that children in the family played with the dog all the time and the dog was not dangerous.  the family is seeking law services to see if they have a case as they do not feel it was necessary to kill the dog. i agree. that dog should not have been killed. the officers should not have been entering the yard unless they were on a manhunt. otherwise, they should have alerted the family of their intent to enter the property.

i am so saddened to hear of this. i just picture that being any one of my dogs. my heart goes out to this family as they grieve the loss of a beloved family member.


on another note, a much brighter one, another family's home was broken into, to which the mother shot the man in the face. that is exactly how it was described on the news. i had to laugh. the man broke into the home, the woman and her daughter hid in the attic. the man approached and cornered the mom and daughter and the mom shot the man in the face. he has a huge criminal record, apparently. go, lady! THAT is why you need a gun. so you can shoot a motherfucker in the FACE.


to read more about pit bulls, i recommend you to the following webpages.

Facts and Fiction about Pits
Don't Bully My Breed
ASPCA
Facebook page

in respect to gun control: "the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun"

catching up

remember the post i made recently about being happier in your home? turns out that it works! well, the parts of it i have tried so far anyway. i made my bed today, did some light cleaning, cooked a fabulous dinner, and i am now relaxing on my couch with my Angry Orchard hard cider and some yummy pretzel crisps while my hubby sleeps on the couch, because he is lazy. just kidding, babe! sheesh.

i have been trying to remember the "bring the room back to ready" tip from my earlier post. i have noticed a significant difference in my happiness and stress level. it is quite surprising. i have been doing the dinner dishes right away, cleaning the counter, and throwing away trash/putting away plates, etc immediately instead of leaving it in whatever room i am in. since i am off work it has been pretty easy. the real task will be doing it when i get back in the regular routine. the thought of juggling school, work, working out, keeping my new diet, and keeping the house clean on a daily basis is daunting.

welcome to adulthood, jess.

so far i love my new diet. i never have been much of a meat eater anyway so losing it from my diet isnt hard. what i love is that i have found new recipes that are very healthy and do not lack flavor. i have also been more creative with what i make for david. it is so nice to have a good variety in the daily meals.

here's to a new year. lets make this the year we actually follow through with whatever we want to accomplish. for me....i will accomplish better health: physically, mentally, emotionally.

New Year Resolution?

pssht. i gave up on that a long time ago. the typical i want to lose weight resolution that i have made year and year, month after month, week after week. i am truly seeking not just to lose weight, but to become healthy. i don't need january 1 to start that. however, it seems i am still lacking the motivation i need to really do it and stick with it. that new year resolution kick doesn't do it for me. i need to focus on other things that push me to succeed. this is what i have come up with so far:

1. don't focus on what the scale says, even though the lose of pounds makes you feel great. that is NOT the focus of this life change.

2. you are doing this to feel better. not just emotionally, but physically. getting in shape will give you confidence. make you feel pretty again. make you feel happy. give you energy. rid you of many ailments you feel are derived from, or at least worsened by, the extra weight and lack of good health.

3. you cant "just" work out or "just" eat healthy. this isn't a diet in the sense that people use that word. this is a life change. a permanent diet. a way of life.

4. how can you have children if you are not healthy? an unhealthy body has more difficulty reproducing. if you want to start a family you have to start with yourself. plus, you can't be a hypocrite. you cant expect your children to eat health if you do not. monkey see, monkey do.

those things should be more than enough inspiration to make the changes in my life that i want. however, when you are as fucked up in the head as i am, somehow there are still (many) days where it isnt enough. you struggle to even start the day. so not only am i battling the ever daunting task of beginning a healthy food and exercise regimen, i am battling with my mentality.

i am working on remembering to take my medicine everyday. i "forget" sometimes. i know its stupid to do so. i know this is medication that will keep me stable and happy. but i hate medication. i hate pumping my body with synthetic drugs. why cant i be normal? my poor children are screwed.

i want to end this blog on a positive, uplifting note.

i am still purchasing mostly preservative free, natural, fresh foods. i cannot force david to change his diet so i am trying to find middle ground. my goal is to become a pescetarian. that means i only eat seafood. i want to eliminate all other meats like poultry, red meat, and pork. i am not doing this for animal-rights reasons or religious beliefs. i am doing this because i have read articles and stories and heard personal experiences from friends whose lives changed for the better by becoming vegetarian. i am convinced my elimination of meat will help my aches and pains go away. eventually i may become vegetarian, but for now i will still eat fish.  this may or may not become a permanent change. i may or may not occasionally indulge myself in a nice cheeseburger. but this is something i want to try. this includes watching what i buy as far as what is made with animal by-products, etc. i will still provide david with his usual meat-filled meals, of course :) his diet needs are much different than mine.

also, i have been telling myself lately, "it only takes 20 minutes of my day to go around the block. that is enough for now to work up a sweat and has been proven before to make significant changes in my health and weight. why is it so difficult to take those 20 minutes to do something good for yourself?" and so, samsam and i went for a jog today. we made it 1.3 miles in under 15 minutes. i am VERY proud of myself. :)