21 questions

no, i'm not talking about the 50 cent song.

today has been a very reflective day for me.  to say the least, it has been a hard one.  and to think my morning started out so well.  all i will say is i need david to come home already. like, 5 months ago already.

i want to pose some questions to my readers, to which i am also contemplating my response; but i want your responses first so that you will not be swayed by mine.

what constitutes a friend? 

we all have "friends." A.K.A. acquaintances. i mean a real friend, a good friend. 

for that matter what constitutes a best friend?
what separates a good friend from a best friend? 

how do you determine the friends that enter your life for the purpose of teaching you something from the lifelong friends that never stop teaching you?

i have had a lot of thoughts today. sometimes i feel like a lunatic. i have no control over my thoughts. if you do not suffer from depression you may not understand. i know, i know, "mind over matter" and "positive thoughts yield positive results" but ive tried that. depression is a bitch. sometimes depression wins the battles. it is a constant war. depression will NOT win the war, but sometimes it sneak attacks me and wins the daily battles i fight.

what i want to know is this:

what inspires you?
what motivates you?
what makes each and every day worth getting up for?

i really hope i have the opportunity to hear your responses.  to be quite frank, i am depending on it. this is me, seeking advice and encouragement, from you, my readers. my friends, my "friends", and my family.  whatever category you might fall in, i want to know. another totally honest statement that i could only dream of actually speaking out loud, (im definitely more ballsy, and composed for that matter, on the internet) is this: what words can you provide for me to help me overcome this bout of depression i am facing? i really am not fishing for compliments per say, but i feel like i need to expand myself, grow as a person, and let the world know loud and clear:

i suffer from chronic depression.

it is a daily battle.

i fight hard.

sometimes depression wins.

i dont like to admit this.

sometimes i need a support system.

i recognize that this support can be hard to find in the military lifestyle.

this is me.

reaching out to you.

my virtual support system.

help me.

make me smile.

I DARE YOU.

please, leave me a comment here, on my facebook post, on my wall, shoot me a text, write me a letter or an email. im so interested to find out what your answers to these questions are.

“When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert

ramblings and metacognition

i think too much about my thoughts. i am always over analyzing and reviewing my thoughts. its rather annoying.

i wish i had something witty to say today, but you're out of luck.  posts like my last one are a rarity.

what i want to talk about tonight is the children's show yo gabba gabba.  i had the pleasure of watching this show tonight while babysitting. previously i had only seen the short skits in between shows.  i thought it was sort of strange but not entirely. well tonight i watched an episode about babies and part of an episode about teeth.  it is so strange!

i don't understand how children are not afraid of these strange creatures.  the green one's arms are way too long. the tall one only has one eye. they sing these really annoying songs.  that's about the only part i understand. kids love anything annoying. honestly, i cant rationalize my passion for early childhood education! the best part of this show is it does teach children about various aspects of life, such as interacting with infants and losing teeth.

however, i still have issues with this show. again, the characters are weird! the dj (?) is super weird. then there was this lady dressed in a club dress with matching eye shadow, rapping and grooving about baby and momma. way to teach kids about alternative lifestyles. gangsta is the way to be. now, don't get me wrong. i lead an alternative lifestyle. and i understand this term can be loosely defined on each person's view of what alternative is.  i speak in the sense of the white picket fence, american dream, leave it to beaver family that i know so many people work toward.  in this same respect I see the need for examining shows before allowing your children to watch them. this episode was about the tooth fairy. what if I don't teach my children about the tooth fairy. now I have to explain that. you know, at my age I find humor in all the innuendo present in all these children's shows and movies; especially the ones from my days. but in reality it's very scary! what are we implanting into the minds of our children? 

and people wonder why there are pregnant 13 year olds, kids sending naughty pics, experimenting with inappropriate activities. 

virtually shaking my head. 

this is excluding my thoughts on raising children in terms of discipline and educational values. 

watch out, America. we are raising generation "I don't give a shit, I do what I want".

my first marriage

usually my sundays consist of me doing nothing i should be doing.  instead i sit on the recliner, stare at my computer, and watch this ridiculous show called bridezillas. well, what can i say about the women on this show. yeah, i just....yeah.  i bring this up because one particular beauty on the show today really caught my attention.  she kept talking about how things should be for her first wedding.  pardon me, you say? yes, you saw that correctly.  she was very open about this being her first wedding and that if it doesnt work there is always divorce, yada yada.

this is so frustrating for me to hear. this is a prime example of my reasoning behind supporting gay marriage and hating people.  the sanctity of marriage is not destroyed by same-sex marriage.  the sanctity of marriage is destroyed by people like this, who do not take marriage as an eternal vow. they do not take marriage seriously. oh, i dont like you today. lets get divorced. just kidding, lets get remarried. no, okay, now i really hate your guts. peace.  repeat similar situation with each marriage.  its ridiculous.

this brings another thought to mind.  most of you reading this probably already know this story, but thats beside the point. i want to tell it anyway.

from day one, david and i have had haters. we are both well aware of this. its no secret. and dont worry. i know who you are. i am not denying that david and i went through our trials and tribulations, because we most definitely did.  but keep in mind that we were 15 and 16 when we began dating. and holding up a long distance relationship for 2 years as a 17 and 18 year old is not easy.  we had haters when we first started dating, haters while we tried to maintain our relationship half way across the country, haters when i moved across the country to be with him, and haters when we made big decisions together. i am also fully aware that we had haters when we decided to get married. 

no matter what we went through, valleys and peaks, fans and haters, we got through it all. february 19, 2013 will be 10 years that we have been together.  september 3, 2012 was one year that we have been married.  we have been so happy this time that we have been together and our love only grows stronger with each passing day.  as many of you know, david is currently serving in afghanistan.  he has been there since may and will be returning soon.  you think that your commitment to each other cant grow any stronger but im here to tell you it can.  this deployment has really made us both stop and smell the roses, if you will.  we have both learned not to take ANYTHING for granted.  i cannot wait to have him with me again, in our home.  david is my one and only true love, our love and commitment to each other is eternal, and this is my first and only marriage.

so, as i conclude my rant for the night, i want to leave all you haters with this:

p.s. google the word "askew" you wont regret it.