let it all out, darling

this isn't a real post.  well, it is. but, its mostly for me.  this is my time to vent. let it all out. (scream and shout).

there is so much to my life to be happy for. i am so lucky, blessed if you will, to have the life i have.  not that i haven't worked for it. but, damn, wouldn't it be nice to take a break.

HA. what's a break?

this thing i have. this....depression. constantly lurking in the shadows.  waiting to rain on my parade.  it doesnt go away. sometimes my sun shines so bright there is no shadow for it to linger. but as always, the sun must set. the shadows will come. and with them, this thing. this....depression.

i had a fabulous weekend. i relaxed, i spent time with my love, his friends. we went places, enjoyed our time together. but alas, here is sunday. back to reality, back to real life. (insert the next song but backwards: back to life, back to reality).

if my life were a plate it would live in a buffet. a buffet of slop, anyway.  chock full of shit.  loaded up like this was the last meal.  i feel like i cant catch a break.  i have so much to do i dont know where to begin. it doesnt help that i am overly emotional and needy (pregnant or not). eventually david loses steam and becomes frustrated with me.  its not fair to him to have to be strong all the time. put up with my shit. i cant blame him for eventually caving and showing his frustrations.  i can be irrational. i know this.

i just need a break.

maybe in 18 years, right?

i am SOOO close to being done with school but I think I have lost all tolerance for it.  i need a break.  but, i am trucking through so i can be done before aliyana is born. how can i handle a baby, school, and a job if i cant handle school and a job?

fuck accelerated classes.  they are why i feel like im drowning.

on top of the 4 assignments i have due this week alone, i have a ton of work related stuff going on. i will never catch a break.

when it rains it pours, right?

someday the rain will stop.  my guess is sometime after my death.

i have my brain to thank for that. my dysfunctional, depressed, chemically imbalanced brain.

i pray to the deities that Aliyana is more like her daddy.

20 week ultrasound

the base officially sucks ass.  i didnt like them before now, but after today i really dont care for them at all.

i go for my 20 week ultrasound appointment. i am supposed to have a full bladder. its 20 minutes past my appointment time and i cant hold it anymore. i have to pee.

of course, as soon as i finish they are ready for me and irritated that i emptied my bladder.  well, dont keep a pregnant woman waiting with a full bladder.

they get to the appointment business and all is quiet. i can only assume they are taking pictures, doing their thing.  so much time goes by and she says she cant get the pictures because the baby is moving.  well maybe if you held the device still long enough you could get a decent picture.  she was moving the damn thing all over my belly. she said the baby's face was covered...eventually i learned that at first she was facing the placenta....later she had her arms in front of her face.  either way, thats no reason to move the machine around so much and to take shitty pictures.

after what seems like 5 hours, she takes the images to the dr, lets david in the room, and the two of us sit for another long period of time before the tech comes back in the room.  she begins showing us the baby while we wait for the dr during which time she makes dumb comments like, 'theres one foot, theres the other, they are together." well i sure hope so!

finally the dr comes in and he cant/wont tell us anything about the baby. we got a half-ass answer that she is fine from what he saw and they legally cannot tell us the gender......what the fuck is this appointment for?!

the tech claimed she had better pictures that what she could show us real-time and gave us a cd. we get home, there is only 6 images on the cd and none of them are what she said they were.  and to top it all off, they look like shit. you cant really tell what any of it really is.  i am so beyond annoyed.

i spent 2 hours on base to learn nothing about my baby and not get any decent pictures. the real time wasn't bad.  it would have been better if the tech would have held still!

anyway, heres the pictures and video clip.  i will end up paying a place to show me something decent.

What does that say about me?

It's about 10 pm and I am writing in my blog.  I did the dishes and mildly cleaned the kitchen.  It is apparent that hubby made it home as all the spices are out, the cheese is left on the counter, and the pans are on the stove.  normalcy.

we are catching up on the shows we watch together and i am excited for all the new seasons to start-my shows and ours.  its our first night together in awhile.

i didnt get my nap today. there is a lot of change going on at my job and in my personal life right now that has my mind reeling all hours of the day. im excited for the changes.  i need to find a way to regulate all that has came and is yet to come.

there is just 3 classes and a student teaching stint standing between me and a masters degree with teaching licensure.  yet, i cannot focus. i lost interest, i dont care, im over it. how many ways can i say i dont want to be in school anymore.  im a tightass when it comes to grades and academic standards. yet, here i am, doing the bare minimum to get by so i can just.be.done. i just want to be done.

i gave up on medical transcription until i finish these last three classes. hopefully i will be done with them by january. then i can spend a few months completing medical transcription and see where that takes me. i love teaching. love it. its my heart and soul. but soon my heart and soul will belong to my daughter and the time i can spend with her and my beloved hubby. a career in medical transcription is a work-from-home, easily transportable job that i can do until i am completely done with my degree and ready to put my daughter in school.

we will see.

so here i am. writing in my blog. doing dishes. cleaning. watching television.

avoiding the dreadful deadline that is quickly approaching to get full credit for class participation.

what does that say about me? that the once all or nothing attitude i was so proud to have has become a meek, half-ass, maybe i will-maybe i wont attitude. im over it.