My blog background couldn't be any more suiting to my mood today. Its strange, really, how quickly things change for me. I am still in the process of recognizing my depression as a disease that is not going to fade away. Its hard for me to admit that on days like today, depression wins. I am drowning in negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness.
It really started last week when i received some unwelcome news. I tried to push past, determined to keep my chin up. Well that news has come back to haunt me, push me to my limits, and make me feel the full effect of suffering the last days before david is home.
All the emotion i am dealing with is surrounding my situation with my grad program, financial aid and student loans, and my making mistakes and procrastinating. I am trying my hardest to take each blow in stride but i am quickly wearing out. I am but a feeble girl crawling, each blow delivering another lethal shot. I am fed up with school, fed up with my lack of motivation. I know that i should be able to conquer this, that i should stay positive, seek help from my support system, and carry on. At this point, i dont believe i have gathered the energy and strength to fight this battle; i am still a step behind trying to acknowledge that this isnt a choice. I am stuck with this mental illness. It just.....sucks. It all just sucks.
All my readers who are all so fortunate to not understand this, i envy you. You are so lucky to be in good mental health. I want to thank you for supporting me even though you may not understand how i feel or find reason in my thoughts. Thanks to everyone, i am so grateful to have you in my life.
And i promise kim and rachel, i will respond to the questions i posed to you. I just havent done it yet. I needed to release this Negative energy first. Crying all day at work is no fun. Especially when someone finally realizes something is wrong. :/
Tomorrow will bring better times....i hope. ;)
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